Welcome To Cinema’s Subways!

Hello. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I am The Video Rat. I’ll be your guide through the subways of film and the sewers of TV, as we navigate all the pestilent piles of VHS cassettes and DVD’s that your parents threw out when they bought a TiVo, or whatever the hell it is you people use, these days!

What kind of films and TV shows SHALL we watch?

We’ll watch whatever kind they toss into my humble rat lair!

Horror, Comedy, Sci-fi, Drama, Action, Adventure, Westerns, Animated Features, Mondo Movies, Gutter Epics, Hollywood Blockbusters, Box Office Bombs, Silent Films, Cherished Classics, Obscurities, and VHS curiosities the likes of which you’ll never see again!

You name it! I’ll probably give it a shot and come away squeakier or growlier for the experience!

I am always up for taking the plunge into the fantastic world of film!

What movies and TV shows WON’T we watch?

Generally, I’m shying away from newer releases. Frankly, the first century or so of motion pictures and the first fifty years of the silver screen’s little housebound cousin gave us so much material that to spend too much time on the fruits of this millennium seems wrong.

21st Century Film and Television come with such extravagant marketing and glut our cultural marketplace so inescapably that they sure don’t need my help in promoting them. They’re like the cocky, condescending “bad guys” in any 80’s sports movie. Anything from prior to the 1990’s often gets treated like the Bad News Bears, or Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. Those are the ones that we’re rooting for, now, just as we did, then!

Also, I won’t review found footage movies. If you like them, bully for you! They all make me physically ill. A film experience should not need to involve the ingestion of Dramamine. I cannot accurately judge the quality of a movie that made me nauseous, so I won’t even try!

My Rating System

I hate the 4-star (or bone, or skull, or reel) system! I hate the 1-10 system even more!

Why?

Because it overcomplicates the only question a reader has on their mind when they read a review:

“Did you enjoy the film?”

Any reasonable individual only wants to know if a reviewer recommends the film. They want to know whether or not I felt the movie rewarded the time and money I invested with the appropriate amount of entertainment. That’s it. They don’t care to what degrees I liked or disliked a film. Star and 10-point scale rating systems overcomplicate to the point of turning the critic into an obsessed mathematician, and often they lead to inconsistencies when you compare the sum-total of a critic’s work.

So, I will begin each review with one of only two ratings:

“I liked it.” This means that I enjoyed the film, loved the film, and/or found the film entertaining.

“I disliked it.” This can mean that I didn’t enjoy the film, hated the film, fell asleep during the film while otherwise well-rested and spry, and/or shut the damned thing off after realizing that infinity is not a luxury afforded to a small rodent, and I have plenty more movies to get to.

Soooooooo…

Let’s kick back, pop in a tape and have some fun!

Next post: My First Review!

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